Imposter Syndrome

 

I didn't know what imposter syndrome was until I spent some time teaching. My first job as a teacher was as a long term substitute with Providence Public School Department. I received a call just a day before orientation.

'Is Brian Colton there?' said the female voice on the other side of the phone. 'Yes, this is he.' I responded. 'This is...from Human Resources at PPSD. I was calling because we have a job for you. We know you aren't qualified, but we need a body.'

WTH does that mean?!

'We need you at Martin Luther King Elementary in a Third through Fifth Grade Autism room.' she explained.

Autism? New school? Students? Teaching assistants? This was all completely new to me. I had no idea how I was going to do any of this. That said, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other and go into the school the next day for orientation.

Long term substitutes do not 'own' a teaching position. They are paid directly by the district, but go where they are needed. At that time, you got paid $100 a day if you had a Bachelor's degree, but no teaching certification. You would get $150 a day if you had teaching certification. You got $200 a day if you had teaching certification and had worked a specific amount of days. You would only get paid for the days you worked. Vacations, weekends, etc...no pay.

The transition into getting paid this way was difficult and needed to come with side work to help make up the difference.

Orientation (which I was getting paid for) ended up being an easier day then I thought, as everyone was very kind and I ended up knowing two of the faculty (a family friend and a mother from our town). At the end of orientation, I asked the Principal if I could get into the room and try to prepare. She led me to the room, but realized the door was locked and that she didn't have the key.

The room would have to wait until the first day of school.

When I arrived on the first day, I got there an hour early so I could prepare. The room was covered in plastic. There were books everywhere, but there was no technology. No Chromebooks. No SMART Board. No ELMO. No nothing.

That first day was filled with introductions, Morning Meeting, getting to know the three adults in the room (the family friend, a first year teaching assistant and an instructional assistant) and LOTS of read alouds. I was lost. I was confused. I was treading water. I had no idea how to teach these nine (soon to be ten) boys with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

That year was filled with laughter, tears, hugs and learning about the Rhode Island Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF) and Individualized Education Programs (IEP). I went from a long term substitute to a classroom teacher with emergency certification in special education to a displaced teacher in a matter of months. Then...COVID happened and I learned how to 'teach' ten boys with ASD online.

Every day that year, I was sure my Principal was going to come into my classroom and tell me that I didn't belong, that I wan't good enough, that I had no idea what I was doing. She never did do any of those things. What she did do was come into class, sit and observe...then smile at me and wave goodbye. She was kind, understanding and gave me the freedom to make mistakes and learn.

About a month after I was hired full-time, I was displaced. The district was moving the two ASD rooms to another school and making it three rooms (K-1, 2-3, 4-5). In my short time working with ASD students, I knew that this was the right move for the district. It still stung and I needed to quickly figure out where I was going to land.

I applied for twenty-two positions. General education, special education and English as a Second Language (ESL) positions. I got two interviews.

'Is this Brian?' the female voice on the other end of the phone inquired. 'It is.' I replied. 'This is Courtney Monterecy, Principal at Mary E. Fogarty Elementary School. We met when you were finishing your M.A.T. program at Broad Street with Michael Templeton. I have you on our schedule for an interview on Tuesday, but I am going to be out of town at a conference next week. Is there any way you can move your interview to this week as I would really love to be there?'

So, I moved the interview to that Thursday. Thursday, March 12, 2020. The day before COVID shut down everything.

The interview was the best of my life. The room was smiling at the right times, laughing at the right times, and nodding their heads at the right times. I got the job. The following week. In quarantine.

Now, I would have to learn a new school. A new curriculum. New students. New techniques. New grade level partners. I had to do all of this wearing a mask as PPSD was one of the first schools to come back in September 2020 during COVID.

I spent every day that year thinking that Courtney was going to walk in my room and tell me I wasn't welcome back. I thought she was going to tell me that I wasn't good enough and that I had no idea what I was doing.

You know what? She never did.

When I speak with people about imposter syndrome, they tell me...'it is because you care.'  They say, 'if you didn't care about your job, then you wouldn't be concerned that you weren't doing it right.'